Friday, September 14 - More peaceful Muslims stormed another embassy, this time the German embassy in Sudan. They planted the Islamic flag at the site and set the building aflame. It’s been presumed that they chose the German embassy because German Chancellor Angela Merkel, bless her heart, gave an award to the Danish cartoonist who dared to draw Mohammed. If Christians were as peaceful as Muslims are, every church in America with a picture of Jesus would be a smoldering ash heap.
Saturday, September 15 - Desperate to be seen, as all romantics are, the Occupy Wall Street parasites came out of their basement dwellings in New York City in preparation for their one-year-anniversary march on Monday, September 17. The goal is to further congest rush-hour traffic and to form a “sitting wall” around the Stock Exchange to prevent people from going to work. The attitude seems to be, “If we can’t be employed, no one can.” One 68-year-old child said it’s “only the beginning.” No, pest, the beginning was a year ago. If there’s more to come, just say that; don’t say it’s only the beginning, because that draws attention to the fact that it’s not the beginning and that your first attempt at achieving anything other than a few rapes was as big a failure as one would expect from such lowlifes as you.
Sunday, September 16 - Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu all but begged America to elect Mitt Romney in November, so desperate is he for a true American ally. Has there ever been a clearer indicator that Obama is anti-Israel than Israel’s leader himself telling us, for all intents and purposes, not to re-elect Obama?
Monday, September 17 - New York City was swarmed with rats, big, brown, furry waves of them flooding forth from every sewer grate, riddled with all manner of pestilence. I would have guessed that there was something in the water, but this theory would quickly be nixed with the knowledge that, eerily, the same exact thing happened one year ago today. So perhaps it had something to do with the alignment of the stars, or maybe even a sign of the times. Either way, let’s hope the police and the good citizens of NYC give them what for.
“We need to get the votes of the people who haven’t already decided they’re voting for Obama. We need the swing voters. Forty-seven percent of voters pay no income taxes, so they’re going to vote for Obama. I’m not going to get their vote, so I’m not going to try.” A secretly recorded video was released of Mitt Romney saying basically that. I know, real controversial, right? You know, facts? But Democrats are rejoicing over this video, treating it as a godsend akin to Obama’s “you didn’t build that” gift to Republicans. The reason is because it provides them with a much-needed distraction from Obama’s dookie-sack handling of the ongoing Middle East crisis.
Tuesday, September 18 - More hidden-camera footage emerged of Romney speaking to the same donors from yesterday, this time saying, “…Palestinians have no interest whatsoever in establishing peace….” If you’re wondering why it’s a news story when that’s basically the position openly held by every Republican, don’t worry, it’s not you, it’s the news media. (Warning: that’s a HuffPo link.)
Wednesday, September 19 - It came out that one of the attackers on our Libyan embassy was a former detainee of GITMO. What nobody is saying anymore: “Let’s close down GITMO.”
Chicago students returned to school after their selfish, greedy teachers stopped striking. They got their pay raise, which helps increase the school system’s deficit of $665 million by an additional $75 million. Deficits for education, of course. It’s for the children.
President Obama was on David Letterman to honor Letterman’s request to polish Obama’s buttocks. The polishing was so thorough, so soothing, that Obama lost all cognizance of what America’s national debt is. Well let me tell you something. There is no debt. There isn’t. How can there be? We’re spending at record levels. A country in debt, if its leaders are sane and responsible, cuts spending. So chillax, ya dinguses.
Thursday, September 20 - In a Univision interview, President Obama told us that one of the things he’s learned as President is that “you can’t change Washington from the inside.” I wonder if the 2008 election would have gone any differently had Obama’s slogan been, “I’d like to change Washington, but I can’t.” That’s too unwieldy a slogan, of course, so perhaps condense it. Imagine the word “INCONSEQUENTIAL” on Obama’s podium under his microphone. Question: Is a “fundamental transformation of America” the same as a “change”?
Former Governor of Virginia, Tim Kaine (D), who is currently running for a US Senate seat against another, more successful former Governor of Virginia, George Allen (R), said that he’d be open to taxing the 47% of people who pay no income taxes. (Let me pause here to sincerely thank the person who surreptitiously recorded that video of Romney talking about this tax issue. You’ve brought the issue to the forefront of the debate, which I know you didn’t mean to do—you meant to hurt Romney—but you’ve opened up a lot of people’s eyes. Thank you.) In response to Kaine’s saying he’d be open to taxing these tax escapers, Republicans have gone full retard by attacking Kaine for being open to something that many Republicans pine for: Everybody pays taxes. Low, flat, fair taxes. But now Republicans are against everybody having a stake in this country? I mean, sure, their argument is that it shouldn’t be done in this economy, such as it is, and fine, I suppose that’s a reasonable argument, but Kaine just said he’d be open to the discussion. So if the economy improves, he’ll be open to it. So he says, anyway. All candidates should be so bold. Though I’m still voting for Allen.