Lefty Begone - Week in Review: Friday, September 28

October 5, 2012

Week in Review: Friday, September 28 - Thursday, October 4

Friday, September 28 - Four high-school girls recorded themselves beating up a mentally-disabled 48-year-old woman minding her own business on her front stoop. Then the four brave girls ran from the scene. They’re all now in custody, without remorse, and could face—please, God—up to 20 years in jail.

Now, if I were to suggest that these four girls most likely listen to rap music, that vocal diarrhea glorifying materialism, sexism, and violence, I would be called a racist. However, I would have been correct. I assumed they listen to rap music even before I saw the video, in which, before they primitively attack a defenseless woman, they film themselves displaying their vocal-diarrhea abilities.

This is a political post because no one in his right mind would assume that the parents of these thugs are conservatives. Conservatives value the family unit, and these girls obviously have crappy, liberal parents, otherwise they wouldn’t be hanging out in packs at night and pummeling for play, undisciplined and uncivilized.

Saturday, September 29 - Arthur “Punch” Sulzberger, former publisher of The New York Times, arguably the most famous newspaper in the world, died at the ripe age of 86. The paper had more class and less bias in the 29 years when he was running it, that’s for sure.

Omar Khadr is a Muslim terrorist (not to be redundant) affiliated with al-Qaeda and who pleaded guilty to lobbing the grenade that killed an American medic in Afghanistan. He has been imprisoned at GITMO ever since. Barack Obama released him to Canada today.

Sunday, September 30 - Muslims had a very productive day today. Great strides were taken, and with explosive gusto, to convince the world that Islamists are a peaceful people, or at least would be if we infidels would only submit and stop forcing them to commit acts of mass-slaughter. I weep for their plight.

Thirty-two people were peacefully killed by Muslims in Iraq in a series of exploding cars. While no group has taken credit for these explosions as of this writing, it’s safe to say that these were car bombs and not mere manufacturer’s defects in the engines, a la the Chevy Volt. “But, but, we’ve been out of Iraq for nine months now! I thought Muslims were violent only because of American occupation.”

Four Buddhist temples and 15 homes were peacefully burned in Bangladesh by Muslims. A Buddhist had insulted their religion on Facebook, they claimed. And who would want to do that?

A Sunday school in Kenya was peacefully blown up by a Muslim, killing one child and critically injuring three.

A peaceful bomb went off near an Islamic boarding school in Nigeria. This was Muslim-on-Muslim violence, so it doesn’t bother me as much as the others. Let them render themselves extinct, I say.

Grenades peacefully exploded at a trade fair in Thailand, injuring 30 people.

A Muslim peacefully car-bombed himself and at least eight others in Syria. I won’t make any rash judgments on this one, though, because as of right now it is still uncertain whether the Muslim did this in the name of Islam, or if this was just his very inept way of collecting car insurance.

American troop deaths in Afghanistan hit the 2,000 mark, the majority of which occurred under Barack Obama’s three and a half years in office, a statistic that will not be appearing on tomorrow’s front pages.

But, good news for Obama: he has yet again received the endorsement of his Venezuelan friend and Communist dictator, Hugo Chavez.

Monday, October 1 - I was busy all day and didn’t pay attention to anything political, but all of the activities from yesterday should suffice to keep the rage boiling into today.

Tuesday, October 2 - A Michigan State University professor stripped naked in front of his students, began screaming and pressing his face against the windows, and said, “There is no f—king God.” A hundred bucks says he’s an Obama supporter.

Joe Biden was fundraising in Charlotte, NC, today, when he said this: “How [can Republicans] justify raising taxes on a middle class that has been buried the last four years? How in Lord’s name can they justify raising their taxes with these tax cuts?” First, I know of no Republican who does not actually want to specifically cut middle-class taxes, and second, why has the Obama administration, according to Biden, “buried” the middle class over the last four years? I mean, hey, this is straight from Joe Biden, not Fox News.

Wednesday, October 3 - Debate Number 1, and boy was it glorious, just glorious!

Aside from the five or six liberals trolling around on Twitter declaring Obama the winner while they actually weep inside, it was unanimous: Romney killed it. (This is what the cool kids say when they mean someone did a magnificent job.)

Of course, Obama’s final line in his closing statement also probably didn’t help at all: “If you’ll vote for me, I promise I’ll fight just as hard in a second term.”

“Just as hard?” That’s not hard enough. That translates to, “I’ll fail just as badly in a second term.” And that’s a promise best left kept to himself.

The icing on the cake, to dig into my bag of tricks for a cliche, was that MSNBC almost unanimously—with hair unkempt and spittle flying—admitted Obama lost and Romney won. And so I can say, for the first time ever, I agree with MSNBC.

Thursday, October 4 - Flash-flood warnings were issued for the more high-populous cities around America. Apparently liberal tears can accumulate very quickly.

Al Gore was on Current TV, telling the panel on the program and the six viewers at home that Obama lost the debate because of—wait for it—the climate. Denver’s thin air, to be specific. This is a man Democrats take very seriously.